Swing Open Authentic

Tag: Swingers Lifestyle

  • We Can’t Go Back

    We Can’t Go Back

    How can we? How can any couple, bluefish, or unicorn for that matter, create a life of intensely erotic escapades, fulfilling their deepest desires, through wild sexual adventures, simply, walk away?

    We see it all the time. Recently, a couple, I think for the second time since we’ve known them, made a post stating, “We are leaving the Lifestyle!”

    But can they? Of course, it is completely their prerogative and there could be a million reasons why they are taking a step back. Don’t get me wrong, taking a break is fairly common in most LS journeys. Perhaps they stumbled upon emotions they, as a couple, were just not prepared to handle. Whatever the reason, it is always a good idea to step back, when needed, and reconnect with your primary partner, or even yourself. That being said, once this world is tapped into, how can anyone go completely back? 

    Can you?

    Completely?

    I suppose it depends on how deep you have gone. How far down the rabbit hole have you fallen?

    Personally, we struggle with even spending time with vanillas now. Hanging out at the neighborhood pool, listening to the dads drone on and on about 401k’s and the latest video games. Watching them gawk at neighborhood MILFs in bikini’s, knowing they will never touch another body outside of their marriage. Though even intamcy at home is rationed out as a cheap gift on special occasions. They make jokes about how they haven’t had a bj in years, but claim that it’s just part of marriage. It’s exhausting! I want to blurt out, “Not in my marriage!”

    It’s just so difficult to be around. We can’t be ourselves. We must be a different version of ourselves anyway. Life is too short to spend it pretending to be someone you’re not. Just more of my “running out of fucks” journey, I suppose.

    If you haven’t had the chance, be sure to check out my post on how I am giving up trying to please others or give in to social constructs. Maybe I was baked or just being pissy, but check it out! Running Out of Fucks

    One thing we have learned from our recent poly relationships is, once you allow emotion in, it becomes even more difficult to walk away. Sex with someone you care about or share a strong bond with is far more satisfying than any gangbang orgy fuck fest you could attend. Unless you are really into those of course. We do not kink shame here!

    Deeper connections become habitual and that becomes the new craving. Beyond sex, beyond kinks or fetishes. Love. It bonds people and gives more profound meaning to relationships. 

    So, what happens when you try to leave all that behind?

    In our experience, it’s causes friction in the primary relationship. Of course, this is going to be different for everyone, but a lot of times we see the same couples who announce their departure, come back months or even years later. Perhaps they felt a part of themselves missing.  Often one partner may be the driving force to leave the lifestyle behind, while the other never wanted it to end in the first place.

    Perhaps the jealousy they faced was too much of a burden. Maybe they felt their partner’s attention shift and they didn’t like how it left them feeling.

    Typically, when a new partner enters the picture, there is a dynamic change. There is a shift that is felt, even if the person who has created the shift doesn’t realize it. It can be as simple as, every day at lunchtime you’d receive a text from your partner but suddenly it happens later in the day, or less often. It’s that new relationship energy and it’s a bitch!  

    Jealousy is an emotion. It sucks and can make you feel like you’re dying inside, but emotions are triggered by traumas which cause specific reactions from within. Heal the trauma, get to the root of the jealousy and it can be unlearned and controlled. We still have moments ourselves but are getting better at handling our own jealousy.

    Jealousy is a fucked-up thing. Personally, it became less of an issue for me as I got older. I would share Lily with friends without a second thought, simply to see her lost in pleasure. Any jealousy issues that were shouting to me, were quickly muffled by the intense sexual afterglow we’d be in. However, when we entered a polyamorous situation, it brought the bitch out of me. I will admit. There were a lot of emotions that welled up in me that I had forgotten were even there.

    If you’re unaware, Lily changed our dynamic completely in the beginning of the year, when she fell in love with someone else. She still loved me and didn’t want us to change, but she wanted to have this new boyfriend be a very important part of her life. She nearly cucked me into the situation and, at times in their relationship, she actually did dabble in cuck play. There was little I could do or say because she knew how much it turned me on. We realized it was an exciting new adventure for us and really played into the kink of it. We found it hot and exciting, and it ended up being the thing I’d focus on which helped me to adjust and feel confident that she still loved me and reassured me as we shared in these intense and passionate situations.

    At first, when Lily decided she was going to have a boyfriend, I wasn’t too concerned. We had known him for a while before they took it to that level. He was always respectful and treated her good. I saw it like any other fwb for her. But when things turned emotional, I had to check myself pretty quick. It wasn’t easy at first. Not for either of us. Eventually I found someone just to prove I could and, I guess and my own separate relationship took off. But, when Lily’s relationship ended, she felt the jealousy and dynamic shift from me.

    After listening to a couple podcasts, working with our therapist, lots of research, like reading The Ethical Slut, we were able to find the tools to deal with the jealousy or the alone moments. Now, instead of feeling uneasy when one of us goes out with someone, we focus on something in our moment. For example, I might use it as an opportunity to blog or play guitar or do just about anything to reconnect with myself. Lily might read or watch an awful dating “reality” show. You can never stop trying to discover yourself. Trust me, there are always new things you can learn. I am living proof of that this year!

    The therapist we see is well versed in alternative relationships, ethical non-monogamy and an amazing source of knowledge on all sorts of kinks. If you can find a good therapist to guide you through this journey, we highly recommend it. Don’t go it alone. The tools are out there and available to you. Listen to podcasts that cover this stuff. Talk to friends who have gone through it. Read more blogs like ours. There are plenty of books that help to dive into the topic as well. Hell, message us! We love to chat with people, especially about LS related stuff!

    One of my best sources and ear to bend was a mutual friend on Facebook. I reached out to her because I knew from her posts that she was in a polyamorous relationship and had been previously. She’s been a saint with my endless issues and all the questions I’d bother her with. She was so patient and understanding. She had been where I was at some point. Her and her boyfriend make it look so simple and seamless. He is married to another beautiful woman, but their relationships are separate. I believe it’s called a “V”. We are still learning all this. From the outside they look like they have it all together but what we don’t see is all the work that went in to get them to this point. This year they celebrated their one-year anniversary, and we wish them many more.

    So, I ask…

    again…

    Can you go back?

    The night I began writing this, Lily was out on a “dick date” as she called it. Their connection could go anywhere. It certainly has all the makings of a relationship beyond simply friends. They seem to like each other. He and I hit it off pretty well also which is always bonus points, because obviously Lily wants us to get along. She is being cautious, however. Her emotions are still pretty raw from the breakup with her ex. Her tolerance for men is dropping daily it seems.

    She commented recently, a couple times, “Maybe I should just get a girlfriend!”

    So, ladies if you’re reading this, take her out! Show her the fun a basic fuck boy never will.

    I wonder if she could ever have a girlfriend. She certainly is attracted to women. She occasionally craves their soft touch and gentle kisses, but at the end of the day, she is all about cock. Let’s be real here. We are who we are.

    One thing I’ve noticed is, her always meeting single men. Her and I have discussed this. Sure, there are some who are genuine and probably would make excellent boyfriends, but most of these single guys are single for a reason it seems. Either they don’t want to commit, or no one wants to commit to them. On the other hand, dating someone single has its benefits. Currently I am seeing someone, and we have nowhere to go if we want to be intimate. Both of us have families at home while we are out.

    I also see a single girl as well. She is the same girl I left standing in the rain in front of a bar a few months ago. I know it sounds awful. I did offer a ride home. I also broke things off abruptly when we were at the bar, so I get why she didn’t want to get in a car with me. So, she waited for an Uber as I walked in the rain back to my car.

    I had to do it. It was clear that nothing was going to work at that moment. Lily and I were not emotionally prepared for polyamory. It became painfully obvious to everyone involved at the time. If we didn’t put a stop to it all, things may have turned ugly. And she knew that. We all did.

    Now, however, after several sessions with our amazing therapist, many meaningful conversations with each other, Lily and I are much better at managing these emotions.

    We realized, and both admitted, we couldn’t go back to just being swingers. We’re definitely not going to be monogamous. We both enjoy this all too much and it fulfills a part of us that is needed.

    Don’t get me wrong, with all the swinger events we attend, casual play is still a very big part of us. After all, we are sluts. But now we can delve deeper into passions and connections to allow for something more profound and real to be built.

    My “Side Piece,” as she refers to herself as of late, has been amazing to spend time with since some burdens were lifted. We picked right up where we left off and things have been pretty great. We don’t have a label. Haven’t really discussed one too much this time. I don’t think there are any real expectations. We simply live in the moment. We see each other about once a week or when we can. We might go to a nice dinner and to a bar, or just have a peaceful evening at her place with a bottle of wine. Either way we always seem to enjoy our time together. Our focus is only on each other. Not work, not kids, not anything else. That is our time. That is how we try to approach connections with others now. We allow them to rise naturally to whatever they may become, and we put our focus in the moment as much as possible.

    Now we really can’t go back. Once that emotional bridge is crossed, the bridge falls behind and you must be real, raw, and open to whatever comes. Find new ways to deal with emotions. If you’ve done the work and your primary foundation is strong, it can be amazing.

    I remember my Facebook consigliere told me that “Couples privilege” sucks. I didn’t know what that meant right away. But now I totally get it. That single person, on the outside of the relationship is very real. They have emotions and needs like the rest of us. At the end of the day, they usually don’t go to sleep with the person they care about. They only get a small portion, but they learn to be content, and gracious. They deserve to have their voice recognized.

    Things are much different now. We even went out for drinks, the three of us. Lily, side piece and me. What a surreal moment. My gorgeous wife to my left, an old fashioned in my hand, and my beautiful, “side piece,” to my right. We laughed and talked about everything. We were able to all find common ground. For starters, for God only knows why, they both want to spend time with me.

    In awkward moments I was able to entertain them with my randomness. We had a good laugh at my expense as I dripped sauce down the front of my shirt from the fried pickles we shared. They found more common ground in their agreement on how clumsy and forgetful I can be. At one point, the discussion turned to how much weed I smoke. Things were getting out of hand! I thought I was about to have an intervention or something! We also talked about our children and how close they are in age. We hope to get everyone together soon. We could have a barbecue and let the kids run around. Things we never thought we would be comfortable with.

    We will continue to follow this path. There are ups and downs and we will make a million mistakes, but Lily and I love who we’ve become. We are who we are, and we can’t go back.

    This weekend we both have separate dates planned, so long as our kids don’t get us sick with their colds. I’m supposed to go to a concert with the side piece and Lily to a party with her boyfriend. So far, I am 0-1 on trying to make it to a concert this year. I had tickets go to waste after our kids got me sick just days before. By the time any of you read this, we should know whether I remained healthy and made it to the concert.

    We appreciate all of you who take the time to read my ramblings. Please share your thoughts. Can you go back to vanilla life? Will you get to a point where you feel you are too old and it’s time to put the toys away?

    If you made it this far you might as well subscribe because the adventures will continue! In fact, We just returned from National Swingers Weekend at Lake of the Ozarks, MO! Such an amazing time! We have so many stories and pictures to share, so you won’t want to miss out!

    Thanks for reading!

    National Swingers Weekend 2021 Lake of the Ozarks, Mo

  • Switch Hit

    Switch Hit

    We have learned so much about ourselves by exploring our sexuality together. Not so long ago our feelings about sex, sexual desires and what turned us on looked completely different from what they are today.

    A few years ago, I posted a question in a local Facebook group we are a part of. A question I thought was straight forward, but have learned the answers were anything but conclusive.

    The question was simply, “Are you more dominant or more submissive?”

    From my naïve perspective at the time, it seemed like a very black and white, night and day question. You had to be one or the other, no?

    I couldn’t have been any further from reality.

    Many commented that they are switch, depending on the situation.

    Switch? It never occurred to me that someone could be both. Exploring multiple dynamics seemed so alluring. So simple but profound.

    Still I wanted clear answers. Ultimately I was actually trying to find out which women in the group were submissive, to be honest. Another naivety. Assuming that just being submissive, perhaps would make them easily be submissive to me. Again, completely wrong!

    I rephrased the question in a way to guide them to a precise answer. Urged them to pick a side! Everyone had to have a side, right?

    Wrong again! I get it now. There are so many variants to sexual play that it makes complete sense that anyone, regardless of gender or sexual desires could be any part of the spectrum at any given time.

    Desires change and evolve. You can choose to hold back or free yourself to safely explore where things may take you. If it’s something in the end you find you don’t like, you can always stop doing it.

    For example, you may not be interested in anal play, but your partner wants you to try it with them. Are you curious? Does part of your mind whisper, “maybe you’ll love it.” If it does, give it a try. The worse thing that could happen is you try something and you dislike it. If that happens, communicate it right away. Talk to your partner. Be honest about what specifically you didn’t like. Perhaps there is an adjustment that could be made. Otherwise, if it’s not for you, that is perfectly fine! No one is required to perform any level of sexual acts.

    Consent is so important and I can not stress it enough. If you don’t like something, stop, and communicate your feelings. Read all about my thoughts on consent in my previous blog post, https://swingopen.wordpress.com/2019/10/12/consent-is-everything/

    Typically, it seems women will play the submissive role. I personally love submissive women. One of the reasons I married Lily. But you must remember, and what I have learned is, just because someone is submissive, does not mean they will submit to just anyone, at least not completely. They must have trust in their partners. This trust must be built up in order to allow someone who is naturally submissive to completely come out of their shell. That or if they orgasm, then all bets are off! At least that is how Lily operates. In the end though, honesty and trust help everyone to feel safe to try new things without fear of ridicule.

    This all starts to get into the BDSM community a bit. I am not even going to pretend to know much about BDSM, but I am learning. Some of my new kinks and fetishes definitely dabble in that kink community. I would love to learn more. I hope to share more with all of you.

    There is an event coming up this weekend, “Beat Me in St. Louis.” See what they did there? Unfortunately we will not be able to attend. There is no way we can get that many days without kids. Perhaps in the future.

    Advertised as a three day fully immersive event. All the Kink and BDSM you could ask for. They have seminars and educational presentations. It will be completely “Vanilla-Free.” Sounds like one hell of an event and a great way to learn a lot at once about the BDSM community.

    cuffs

    Find more information for the event by following the link here, https://beatmeinstl.com/

    If you happen to go, send pics or just a short paragraph of your favorite thing about the event or even if there were things you didn’t like, share those too. We would love to hear all about it!

    Getting back to submissive people, women don’t always play this part. In fact it is pretty common to have a female Dominatrix, or Domme. Gender really plays no part in who is the dominant one.

    I have started to explore my submissive side this year and have discovered some amazing erotic feelings that I never knew existed. It is fascinating to allow your inhabitations go and truly immerse yourself in the moment. Submission is not giving up all control. In fact, the submissive has the most power of all. They carry the power to control how far their dominant counterpart may take them. They are the lead character in their sexual adventure.

    Allowing myself to switch has given me some of the most highly erotic experiences ever. I still love to be dominant, but in the right moments I am happy to switch.

    As I have said in the past, I am really trying to cut ties with all labels as much as possible. Why should they matter? Labels only serve to organize you into subsets or groups. Without labels, you are free to flow naturally from one experience to the next, without guilt or misunderstandings. No hierarchy needs to be created amongst you and your partners. Be dominant, be submissive, be anything that feels right at any moment.

    You should try to let go if you have not done so before, become the submissive. Allow yourself the experience of relinquishing your control. If you do this, feel free to report back! Tell us all the dirty details!

    Having a partner who explores your sexual desires and helps to push your boundaries definitely is a bonus; some may not have a partner, we know. There are so many singles in these scenes and you can absolutely get in. Of course, women are rarely turned away. You’d have to have really fucked up good if you are a female blacklisted from anything Lifestyle related. Or if you happen to be the single bluefish, just remember this, be yourself, be respectful. I know Lily has a few bluefish she is thankful to have met and have in our lives. We have one paying her a visit tonight.

    A lot has happened with us and there is so much I need to catch everyone up on. Topics to come include, “We’re Poly Now?” We will tell all about our first poly relationships and how we struggled to maintain our life while dealing with jealousy and other issues we did not see coming. We plan to discuss cuckolding, including adventures we have explored. Such hot, intense experiences. Perhaps give some details on the “punishment” Lily received in which a friend and I delayed her orgasm several times before fucking her to multiple orgasms.

    What else…? Oh! We have decided to jump on the Only Fans train and give it a shot. Why not? We have the equipment and the means to do it. It’s the consistency we lack. Perhaps with Lily being more the focal point of an Only Fans it will drive her to help me be consistent. We shall see. If we ever get accepted.

    Picture from www.Lifeinstylestl.com

    Also, BIIIIIG NEWS! We are going to National Swingers Weekend 2021 with the LifeinStyLe STL Group! Can NOT wait! Four nights on a lake property with hundreds, perhaps thousands of swingers and lifestyle party goers. There is entertainment every day with dinners and nightly themed parties! We missed last year but are so happy and excited to be a part of it this year!

    As always, please feel free to reach out to us if you have any questions or opinions you’d like to relay, or if you just want to talk to someone like minded. We love talking to people from all over and learning about what works for them in this Lifestyle and what we can perhaps take away for ourselves.

    To all our followers, thanks for bearing with us. You are very much appreciated! To those who perhaps stumbled upon this, please follow. We promise, it won’t be boring. At least, we will try not to let it be boring. Until next time!

  • Running Out of Fucks

    “You can’t be an important and life-changing presence for some people without also being a joke and an embarrassment to others.”-The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*uck

    This quote speaks volumes to me. It is a reminder that trying to please everyone is a loss cause. It will never happen. There will always be those who disapprove of your life choices, but in the end it is your life. Trust me, you are an inspiration to someone just the way you are! You are also the villain in someone’s story!

    One thing weighing heavy on my mind me these days, is the urge to be completely free of all social constructs . To live my life the way I see fit. How amazing would that be? Living on my own terms. Only allow positivity in my life and being who I am no matter what!

    We hold ourselves back from reaching our potential when we aren’t our true selves.

    In the movie, “Private Parts”, Howard Stern realizes in order to truly be great, he had to just be himself. He had to break through the negativity . There were so many that despised what he did but he kept doing it his way. In the movie he quits his mediocre job as a disk jockey at a country music station with nothing lined up, but he knew he was destine for something more.

    Private Parts (1997) – Plot Summary – IMDb

    I recall the scene where he has this epiphany. He is discussing his reasons for leaving a mediocre job and realizes what he must do going forward.

    Howard says, “It’s so apparent to me now what I should be doing. I should be talking about my personal life. I’ve got to get intimate. And every time I feel like I shouldn’t say something, maybe I should just blurt it out, you know? I just got to let things fly. I got to go all the way!”

    In that moment, Howard realizes that the only way he was going to achieve success and contentment is to “go all the way”. He couldn’t fake it.

    If you know anything about Stern, you know how this story ends. Whether you love him or hate him, his show was an extreme success and paved the way for so many who came after. He had no fucks to give.

    I absolutely loved the book, The Art of Not Giving a F*ck! Essentially, its mantra is not to give a fuck about anything that is not worth giving a fuck about. You only have so many fucks to give, after all and you don’t want to just waste fucks on anything and everything. People are going to talk! Let them. If you have not read the book, check it out. Highly recommended.

    See the source image
    [By Mark Manson] The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck (Paperback) by Mark Manson (Author) (Paperback): Manson Mark: Amazon.com: Books

    Lily and I are adults. We love who we are and who we have become in our nearly 25 years together. We are not ashamed of our life and how we choose to live it. Ok maybe Lily is a little, but why should we be, why hide it? I don’t like to be fake to people. Perhaps we simply need to spend time with only those whom we don’t have to wear a mask around.

    If you have “friends” who are not comfortable with your life choices, they don’t need to be in your story. Kill off some characters in your story! If the Walking Dead can do it, so can you! (DO NOT ACTUALLY KILL PEOPLE). Leave them behind and pursue your happiness.

    A friend of mine likes to, “Filter” people. It’s as if she is sifting for gold. You get a shit ton of rocks before you ever grasp that morsel of fortune. It makes sense. There are so many people in this world. Meet them! Go on all the dates! Try everything that interests you. Don’t just dream about it. Go fucking do it! You might make amazing friends, lovers, sex partners! Sure, you won’t click with everyone, so filter them out!

    I understand the need to hide this lifestyle from family, co-workers, PTO Karens. But let them open their closets. Everyone has something and if they don’t they really need to get out more often.

    I recently told my younger brother that we are swingers. At the time, Lily had a boyfriend and I was seeing someone separately as well. We were dabbling in the poly world a bit. It’s been a crazy fucking start to the year! So much has happened. We will have to save that for another time.

    When I decided to tell my brother, I felt I needed someone close to me to know. He had confided in me when he found out he was to be a father unexpectedly, before he told our parents. It felt good to bond with him that way. To let him into my world a little more. There was a sense that he would be ok with it. I am not bringing him to any parties, although I am sure as a single guy he would appreciate it, but it feels good to be accepted by family no matter how twisted or unusual they your choices may be.

    He said that he never expected to be jealous that his older married brother gets more pussy than he does. I found that to be both eye opening and kind of awesome.

    One of our on going agreements is to always keep our vanilla world separate from our LS world. For good reason of course. We have children. We don’t ever want them to be shunned or treated differently because of the choices we make in our personal lives.

    When it is only our sex life, then it really doesn’t make sense to open up about it to anyone. It is no one’s business what goes on behind closed doors. However, in the last few months, our experiences have shifted our views. Is it so wrong to be out to dinner with someone else? What if we get caught? What difference does it make? We aren’t cheating. We aren’t doing anything harmful. So long as we are ok with it, it really makes none at all.

    Going forward the intent is to share more about ourselves. We haven’t even touched the surface.

    Some “friends” may get filtered out in the process, but those who remain and rise to the top will be the ones worth keeping.

    So we now realize this blog was created for selfish reasons. Writing these words will help to discover those who are meaningful to us and we will surround ourselves with an abundance of love.

    Perhaps one day, some confused person or persons may stumble upon this and find clarity through empathy. To see that there are many ways to love and live. They might realize the kink they hid wasn’t so unusual and there are many people who are the same and are unapologetic about it. Why do they get to not give a fuck? I want to stop giving a fuck too!

    Now am I going to go out tomorrow and shout from the roof tops that we are swingers and my wife and I have sex with other people? No. We are just not there yet. We will share more and more here and slowly, perhaps we build the courage to tell others. Then we can stop caring, stop worrying, stop giving a fuck and just be us.

    Hope yall stick around! Likely going to be a wild ride.

    As always, if there is a topic you would like discussed or a question you have, please send it, we will try to respond or perhaps cover the question in an entry.

    Thanks for reading!

  • When You Don’t Clique

    When You Don’t Clique

    Even in a lifestyle that claims to be accepting of all, there will always those who end up feeling left out or unwelcome. I hear it constantly. Sometimes it can be brought on by ourselves from failing to let go of our fears and insecurities. Other times we find ourselves standing on the outside of a circle or clique that seems impenetrable and we don’t really know why.

    When a couple or even a single begin their journey in the LS, they may have high hopes and grand expectations of how things will go for them. Big plans to explore their sexuality, fulfill their deepest fantasies and cross off some of their naughty “fuck-it list.” In order to do this, first they must meet the right people!

    There might be a struggle initially not knowing where or how to go about finding like-minded people for adult fun.

    (If this is a problem for you check out our blog post on how to meet others, https://swingopen.wordpress.com/2019/09/23/swinger-sites-and-other-ways-to-meet-lifestyle-friends/ )

    Once you meet some like-minded people, there tends to be a bit of a snowball effect. Especially if you start going to parties or Meet n Greets. You’ll quickly find the community is much bigger than you imagined but at the same time quite small depending on where you live.

    There may be some groups that have been around for awhile and built quite the following. Every gathering will have fresh faces but there will always that core group of regulars. There always seems to be a bunch who all know each other and appear to have been friends since high school or somwthing. They cling to one and other at every event and even seem to spend the majority of their non-party time together.

    This can be extremely intimidating for newcomers. That’s one thing that makes Meet n Greets less appealing to us. It seems to just turn into a group of friends hanging out, it becomes less of a swingers meet up and more like your basic Saturday night bar hop with college buddies.

    Another thing a newbie may encounter is a lack of connection once the party atmosphere has ended. Say you go to a party, you might hit it off really well with a few couples. Even perhaps get a bit entangled with someone but when the party’s over, never hear from them to hang out on the weekend or go have brunch with a group.

    There seems to be different levels as well. There are the hottest, highly attractive who kind of stick together, the bottom rung who maybe aren’t as attractive but still lots of fun who also form their own clique. Then there are people who kind of fall in the middle.

    We could be wrong, but we feel like that is us. The middle class, floaters. We seem to mingle with people in all levels but never feel fully at home in any faction of the group. Sort of like the misfits on the island of misfit toys. We can be fun to hang with at the parties but never quite make it to the the inner circle. And that’s okay. We never really got into all this to make best friends. It seems a lot of people have done that. They have to feel connected all the time and part of a group.

    The thing is once these “groups” form then the drama begins. We try to make it a point to keep clear of drama at all costs. Although this year we have seen our share of it. When these cliques and groups come together, someone is always left out. There is often some kind of falling out within the group for whatever reason which causes unnecessary turmoil. Many events become a high school reunion rather than a fantasy experience.  Who needs that?

    But what can be done?

    Sometimes it just is what it is. People are naturally drawn together for all kinds of reasons.

    According to a Kidshealth.org article from July 2018 reviewed by Kathryn Hoffses, PhD;  https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cliques.html?view=ptr&WT.ac=t-ptr

    “Cliques attract people for different reasons: For some people, being popular or cool is the most important thing, and cliques give them a place where they can get this social status. Other people want to be in cliques because they don’t like to feel left out.”

    The funny thing is, this article was written for Teens.

    We once had someone tell us that if we are having a good time meeting couples and going on dates then we should skip the parties and Meet n Greets.

    They said, “It’s like high school again!”

    That kind of stuck with us. It does seem that way at times. We aren’t in the largest city in the U.S. and you quickly find out just how small the community is. As mentioned we often see many of the same people at these events. Many are just there for the drinks. Sometimes we wonder if certain people even ever play or if they are literally just there for the atmosphere. Every couple has their own dynamic. Everyone has their standards and boundaries, so that could be a real possibility.

    So, what can you do? Best advice we can give is just be you! I know it sounds cliché but honestly, it is the only thing you can do. You can’t control who wants to be your friend but you can control how you feel about yourself. When you go to events, try to look your best! Always dress to impress. We notice that is definitely an issue for men. There are so many that don’t even seem to try. Maybe their wife or SO is very sexy. Therefore, she becomes the focal point of their attraction. Then they become sort of one dimensional as a couple. Men in general just need to simply step up their game when it comes to fashion. Some of them show up to these events looking like they just rolled out of bed or left the gym and came straight over. It’s great that your wife looks so amazing’ so first question that comes to mind is, “Do you play separate”?

    There is always an exception to everything of course. We have met some of the most down to earth, attractive people in the LS as well. People, who in high school probably wouldn’t have even looked at us but now make us feel like we are part of something amazing and even have mindblowing sexual experiences with.

    As a couple we try to talk to anyone and everyone. You really never know where it may lead. Maybe they aren’t a sexual match but could be amazing people and having more friends is never a bad thing. You don’t have to have sex with everyone you meet. 

    Ha, “We don’t have to have sex with everyone we meet.” I have to remind myself of that from time to time.

    So, next time you are at a party or event, just put yourself out there. Talk to people. Be in the moment. Don’t get stagnant and stuck with one group or another. Make a sincere effort to reach out to people you haven’t talked to before. If at a party or meet, perhaps make it a point to meet 3-5 new people even if you spend most of your night with a certain group or hiding in the corner. Trust me, they are just as nervous as you are. You came all this way to fulfill you’re fantasies. Take that next step. Say hello to someone and don’t forget to smile!

    We are in an amazing place these days. So much is happening in 2021.

    If you have something you want covered or if there are any questions you have, please send us an email! Thanks for reading!

      

  • Swinging and Politics Don’t Mix

    Wow, what a hell of a year it’s been!

    We know it’s been awhile. As we’ve said before, we are terrible at follow up.

    There really hasn’t been much to follow up on this year. Besides the global pandemic, there has not been any swinging to write about. Lily has been working from home now, along with me. It’s great to spend the days together. Lunch time workouts together, little check-ins throughout the day, and even better, sometimes having each other for lunch! If you know what I’m saying.😜


    This year has brought on so many stressors for everyone, or magnified ones that likely already existed. Friends of ours have gotten divorced. Some swingers have realized, without the events, meet ups, and parties, their life with their significant other doesn’t mesh as well as it should or is just not that exciting. It’s very unfortunate, but stressful events will definitely bring to light the most difficult issues in relationships.


    Also, there is a presidential election this year.

    We try to avoid drama at all cost when it comes to the lifestyle. We’ve seen posts turn in to ugly battles between people who we thought were friends. Whether its drama caused by a couple or an outside element like politics, it’s still drama and there is no room for it in the lifestyle.

    We simply steer clear of these conversations and we urge others to do the same. It’s just not worth it. No one is going to change anyone else’s mind arguing through Facebook or Twitter. To be honest, it’s just not that sexy.

    So many socially appropriate behaviors we were raised on, go out the window when it comes to politics. People didn’t use to talk so openly about their political beliefs. You kept your mouth shut and just voted. It didn’t matter so much what others thought.

    Maybe we are wrong. Maybe we were young and naive. However, there is definitely something to be said about the changes in communication over the years. The ability to connect with others through multiple platforms across the world with Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, or even on Swinger Sites, has allowed for instant communication. Unfortunately, it takes away the face to face aspect and people seem to lose their filter or they become brave enough to say the things they typically would not say in person.

    This happens with Swingers too. You might chat with a couple and have fun conversations in Kik or Facebook messenger. You probably begin to build up a persona in your mind about these people, even of you have yet to meet. Then you meet and they are completely different than expected.

    I know we’ve done this.

    We chatted back and forth with a couple for a bit. Exchanging flirtatious remarks and photos with each other. We were excited to meet them and had created in our minds how hot the meeting would be. When we actually met them in person, so much about them was different from what we had pictured.

    They were much more reserved and shy than expected. It was a surprise based on how open they were through our conversations. Their voices didn’t even match how we imagined they’d sound. It’s a funny thing to say, but it makes us feel somewhat bad for having perceived so much about people based on a few photos and emboldened conversations. But the mind seems to create an overall idea and expectation. It’s hard to avoid.

    Unfortunately, that’s the way it is everywhere these days. People blocking or being blocked for snarky comments and angry politically charged internet battles. It’s sad.

    We have a Facebook profile devoted to lifestyle events and the local community, so we can keep it separate from our vanilla world.

    We use to get on that profile and see a feed full of sexiness, exciting, titillating conversations. Now we see people bickering over Trump and Biden. Well shit, that looks like our vanilla feed now! That’s no fun at all. But that’s where this year has gone. Between the pandemic and it being an election year, the anger and nastiness has been amplified to a point where it is beginning to drown out the light moments we hope to share.

    We even heard of someone we know, who decided to take it upon themselves to out a couple to their vanilla community, just because they supported a different political party. That’s too far! There is simply no reason for it and no place for it in the lifestyle.

    We never discuss politics at any event, meet up, date or encounter. It should be a political free zone.

    Quite honestly, not bringing it up is the smartest thing for anyone. You risk alienating yourself, depending on what the majority of the community beliefs are. You’ll certainly be passed over by someone who may have been an extremely satisfying and intense sexual experience because you don’t have the same political ideals. You are limiting your own field and narrowing your options. So we say leave it out.

    Politics and the Lifestyle do not mix and quite frankly, some of you could use this idea of leaving it out of your vanilla world as well. Then again, toxic people don’t always change how they behave just because they are in one community or another. The drama and toxicity simply shifts to a new venue for them.

    Whatever happens this year, stay calm, have a glass of wine, maybe smoke a bowl and get naked as often as you can. We hope all of you are safe and well.

    If you enjoy our little blog please share it with your friends and be sure to follow, incase we feel creative or actually have a moment to write. Please feel free to message us if there are any questions or topics you would like to read about in relation to the Lifestyle.

    Until next time! Stay sexy and keep swingin!

  • To Kiss or Not to Kiss

    To Kiss or Not to Kiss

    There have been many conversations amongst LS acquaintances of ours about kissing. Some feel it’s too intimate, like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”. They will give all of themselves to someone else but the lips are only for the one who they love. Others crave the sexual tension kissing builds and the connection it gives them with another person. It makes them feel wanted, sexy, and allows them to feel the chemistry they need to take it to the next level.

    Some argue that if you can have sex with someone who is not your significant other then you sure as hell should have no issue having a steamy make-out session. After all it is a vital part of foreplay, isn’t it?

    According to Bitishcouncil.org;

    “The dopamine released during a kiss can stimulate the same area of the brain activated by heroin and cocaine. As a result, we experience feelings of euphoria and addictive behaviour. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the ‘love hormone’, fosters feelings of affection and attachment.”

    https://www.britishcouncil.org/voices-magazine/kiss-science-smooching

    Given this is what kissing can do to a person it makes perfect sense why some couples have reason to keep kissing to themselves. Though most we find in the LS have no ill intentions of taking your mate away and brush kissing off as a form of greeting among other like-minded people. Still it can give you pause with the realization of how strong it can effect you emotionally.

    So just how do some people even allow kissing to be on the table in an non-monogamous way without fear of destroying their own home?

    This is such an individualized thing. To have entered this lifestyle in the first place a couple must already have an extreme eternal trust. Lily and I have built a strong deep trust over the years. We tell each other everything. There should be no secrets between a lifestyle couple.  Or any couple for that matter. These experiences shared are not about one-upping or sneaking a quickie with someone else without your partner knowing. To us anyway, it’s all about experiencing it all together. There has to be a certain level of maturity and self awareness in order to make any of this work.

    We have encountered couples who don’t kiss on two occasions now. Surprisingly both were at LifeinStyleSTL Parties like the one we talk about in LifeinSTyle Hotel Takeover Part 1.

    It is paramount to discuss your rules and be sure about what you as a couple will allow before any play. This alleviates any misunderstandings. Others should understand and respect those boundaries as they expect you to respect theirs.

    Dinner before meet n greet. We drank the whole bottle.

    Personally, we love kissing! We love the affection and the closeness. Yes, it is intimate but so is oral. We don’t have rules against kissing at all other than making sure the other is in agreement with who we are kissing.

    At a recent meet n greet I was kissed by two different women at separate times throughout the evening. Lily became slightly upset with me. Especially with the second one. We had some pretty intense kissing right next to her at the bar and I think she felt left out. I didn’t think anything of it but it really bothered her. It may have been more that we drank a whole bottle of wine before going out and her tipsy emotions got the best of her. She was done with the night and ready to go. It was a bit frustrating since there were so many people there we had been wanting to meet for a long time. Instead we found ourselves calling an Uber at 10:30 and she went silent for the rest of the evening.

    In hindsight I should have checked in with her before enjoying the lips of another and that was my error and lesson learned. Even though we are a couple who enjoys kissing it clearly can spark a bit of an uncomfortable situation if not discussed and agreed upon before.

    Kissing is intimate, it’s exhilarating, exciting, and oh so sexy! It can however bring up feelings in some people that may be unexpected whether you are the one kissing, being kissed, or witness to your significant other kissing. You as a couple must be honest and have a serious conversation if kissing is something you will allow or if you will keep it for yourselves.

    Tell us what you think! Are you a kissing couple? Do you share your lips or are they sealed from the lifestyle? There is no one way in the LS.

    Thanks for coming back to read our thoughts and experiences. If you have any questions that come up please do not hesitate to contact us. If there is something you would like discussed let us know and we are happy to see how we may tackle it! If you enjoy the content please be sure to like, subscribe and share with others! Kisses! 😘

  • Swinger Sites and Other Ways to Meet Lifestyle Friends

    We have been in the lifestyle for quite some time.  Having met as teenagers we found early in our relationship that sharing was an intoxicating exciting adventure we wanted to be a part of.  Still together close to half a century later our passion for the swinger lifestyle has grown immensely.  We are constantly looking for exciting new ways to meet other couples and even singles.

    From apps to swinger sites even twitter we will share a few we like what has worked for us!

    Swinger Sites

    There are so many sites these days. All the websites seem to be regional. We have signed up for many but have only forked over the money for two at this point.

    1. Swinglifestyle.com (SLS)

    https://www.swinglifestyle.com/autopilot/swinger468.cfm?signup=gdalecouple

    This was the first swinger site we ever joined.  We have been members for about seven years and have met some fun, sexy people through this website.  

    When we lived in California we found this site to be full of people just like us.  We took advantage of a one time fee to be Lifetime members.

    Known to most as SLS, it is, from what we have heard, one of the original lifestyle sites. It is fairly easy to use. Creating a profile is simple and straight forward. You will only need your email address and to complete their profile section. Then add some pictures and you are on your way.

    The search section is very easy to use and allows you to narrow the filter down to what kind of person or couple you are looking for. You can also search only paid members if you prefer.

    Members seem to be pretty active on this site. We have met and successfully had quite a few sexy encounters through the site.

    There is a section to post calendar events or “hot dates”.  If you are going to be going out and looking for someone to join you simply post a “Hot Date” with the details of what you are looking for.  Also many local and non-local events are listed.

    The messenger is a bit clunky and isn’t great for long conversations but it works well enough to get the fun started.  We usually will flip to Kik messenger like most people if the conversation is heating up.

    You will need to pay for this sites best features.  With a free account you can get a good look at everything that is provided and you may even receive messages but will not be able to send any or even reply.

    All in all we like this site.  It has worked well for us on the West Coast and the Midwest.  Though lately it has not been our goto but we still check it every now and again since we are lifetime members.

    2. Couple Fore Play (C4P)

    https://www.clubforeplay.com/

    Club Fore Play or C4P is another site we learned about in 2018. Of course it allows for profile creation and the ability to add pictures as with any of them. I don’t believe there is an ability to instant message in any way.

    There are three separate picture album categories. You have your public photo album. This is where you should post pics that will catch the eye of potential playmates. Then they have a restricted section. Non-paying members can’t see these which is kind of a cool feature but a bit unnecessary. Last you have your private photo album. This album is where your naughty pictures and even face pictures should go. You get to decide who sees them. You can remove access at any time.

    The email is pretty simple and even gives you a bunch of fun little emojis. It also gives the option to send the email as, Us, Him, or Her. That is pretty nice as a lot of times I will vet people and don’t want to start off as we are both responding.

    I don’t think they offer a lifetime membership but we have used it pretty often and met some great friends. We simply signed up for a year or two.

    Like SLS it has a section where all the local and regional events are taking place. You can sign up easily directly through the site for parties and meet n greets.

    There are features to send a wink with a brief message. It’s a nice little ice breaker to let someone know you are interested. We have received winks from couples who we then reached out to with an email.

    One thing I don’t care for, and actually it is like this on both sites, is that when you check out a profile the member(s) know that you have been looking. It would be nice to anonymously browse. I understand why they do it this way is to promote interaction but sometimes you are enticed by a profile picture only to find out once opening the entire profile that they may not be a match for you. It would be nice to have that person(s) not know unless you want them to.

    I am really only covering sites we are paid members on because it is difficult to review any of these sites as only a free member as you really don’t have access to everything. However there are many other sites very similar like SDC.com, Kasadie.com, older ones like Adultfriendfinder or Fetlife. There are so many available and most are regional. Let us know which you prefer and what has worked for you!

    PHONE APPS

    Another avenue is phone apps. Although we have not used this method all that much we gave a couple a try.

    Tinder

    Tinder was created as a local dating app and allows you to swipe right or left to decide if you are interested in someone. A connection is made when you both swipe the same right. You are then able to send a message to get to know the person.

    Never really had much luck with this app. You can go through all the photos in a day and only make a handful of connections. Out of those connections many didn’t even respond to a message sent. I have heard this is a hookup app but we did not experience that from it and really got nothing out of it’s use. Most people are single and it doesn’t really lend itself to couples though we have heard some people have success.

    3fun

    3fun is an app that advertises itself for threesomes and swingers. The problem with it right off is there just aren’t enough members. It is very regional and not quite enough people have signed up in this area as of yet. If they get the numbers up it could be pretty great. It is nice to not have to explain that you are part of a couple like in tinder. https://www.go3fun.co/ad/TK10121

    Social Media

    If you don’t know, you have got to find out! Social media seems to be the way to go to truly make meeting local swingers easy! You can quickly find out so much about the community around you with a simple hashtag!

    Twitter

    This is where we started. Twitter is a hot spot for naughty fun. We never knew there was a dirty secret side to twitter until we started listening to some of the Lifestyle Podcasts and the hosts would say to follow them on Twitter. Checking out their page would connect us to other pages with similar interest. Eventually we started to notice there were tons of sexy fun people in Twitter land who lived right in our own community or very close to it! This is how we discovered the LifeinstyleSTL group who throws those amazing parties like we talk about in https://swingopen.wordpress.com/2018/09/26/lifeinstyle-hotel-takeover-part-1/

    Meeting that group bust the local scene wide open for us and it was all thanks to Twitter.

    Twitter is so easy to use and you likely have an account. We love it because we find the anonymity sexy and alluring. We began sharing the occasional sexy picture here and there and interacting with a few podcasters. It is all about the hashtag. I fought for years with myself to never say hashtag. It was always the number sign or pound key but! Well I gave in! A few key hashtags will link you to a very sexy and explicit world where swingers, freaks, and sex fiends collide.

    At first we were very selective about who we allowed to follow us and we kept our account locked. That all changed when we met a few other people who used their account not only to interact with other sexy swingers but also to promote, grow, and even make money!

    We still maintain our anonymity but we are in several groups who retweet and share our posts to help us gain a larger audience. This is great for cam models or those who are looking to sell something. We haven’t quite crossed that line just yet but who knows what the future may hold?

    Ever since Tumblr cracked down on adult content Twitter has been flooded with people of all sexual appetites! While we personally do not use it as an avenue to meet others in the Lifestyle anymore due to one follower who kind of ruined it for us, it totally can be used in that way. With the amount of users it’s reach never seems to end.

    Facebook

    For meeting others local and vetting them quickly there is really no comparison. Facebook has become our go to for finding out the latest events and local gatherings. There are so many groups and they are all hidden. We have a profile specifically set up for these groups so it does not overlap into our vanilla world. We don’t know for sure but assume these private groups are likely the norm in most communities. For us it seemed like once we got into one we began being invited to others. We are in groups for just our city, others for surrounding cities, and even ones for our whole state or adjacent states.

    In these groups people share funny memes, everyday chit chat , and naughty pics. The pictures aren’t quite as naughty as twitter due to the strict policies. Many members often get their account suspended for pushing the limits. They end up in “Facebook jail”. This has happened to us a handful of times. Sometimes we’d challenge the suspension because there was no full nudity. Some of these rulings were reversed in our favor. Others we would serve a 24 hour suspension. I think the most we ever had was a few days. Which isn’t bad since we know some people who have had several 30 day suspensions. Nonetheless you have to be careful what you share. While you can still choose to be mostly anonymous if you’d like it is easy to be yourself in most of these groups and it really is beneficial to do so. You find out how small the swinger community is very quickly and it is easy to meet other play partners because these groups are so localized.

    We love Facebook for the easy of use and the ability to make friends easily. One piece of advice if you are going to create a Lifestyle profile. Make sure to block your personal profile. Otherwise your Lifestyle profile will be recommended to friends and family.

    I know it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I am terrible at follow up and there was a time where we considered creating a podcast instead. If you are still with me I thank you for coming back!

    We have been through so much this year in the Lifestyle. Recently we have hit a wall. We are needing to step aside a bit and focus on our relationship a bit. That being said I have so much I want to tell you all so I will try to keep posting. I am going to try to figure a way to explain what has happened to cause us to want to take a break. Unfortunately sometimes you run in to things you didn’t expect going in and they cause you to have to take some time to process before you are able to go forward.

    Although we love our naughty escapades, our marriage and family always come first.

    Thanks again for reading. Tell me if any of these options worked for you in your pursuit of sexiness!