“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth” ~ Oscar Wilde
It’s that time of year again! Horrors and whores to be found at every event and gathering! Hopefully, you have somewhere to be.
It has been a few years since I’ve made it to a good Halloween event. Whether it’s a simple private costume party at a bar or a full-on hotel takeover that ends in a massive orgy, I always love the Halloween events! Mostly because I get to wear a costume.
Maybe it’s the theater degree in me still craving a bit of play, but just as I was excited to put on my simple, Amazon purchased toga costume a few weeks ago, I can’t wait to get a costume for the late October party.
This year I should be getting to two parties. One I will not be there in time to worry about anyone having costumes on, or anything at all.
🏨 The Sexy Halloween Hotel Party
The first scary, sexy event will be the Halloween Hotel Party! With four floors of reserved rooms and a ballroom for the party itself, it’s sounding like a wild night.
People are encouraged to wear their sexiest costumes but do need to keep it toned down mildly for the ballroom and any public areas. No pubic in the public! There are still several areas of the hotel open to outside guests, not to mention the hotel staff doesn’t need to see it all (though we see some of those staff members peeking!).
The night is broken into two parts:
The Meet & Mingle: Earlier in the evening when everyone checks in, there will be a gathering in the ballroom. Everyone shows up in their costumes and sexy apparel. Costumes are not strictly required at these events, but why wouldn’t you?! Well, for those actually attending the costume party, that is.
The Hall Party: My girlfriend and her husband will be there, and they’ve got a room. For myself and possibly my wife, we will only make it in time for the hall party. The hall party is typically just as it sounds: the hallway is filled with kinky guests dressed in their naughtiest attire, lace lingerie, sexy rompers, and other sensual accessories.
There will likely be drinks flowing. Many will leave their room doors open with music playing or custom lights they’ve brought to the party. When you enter the party floor or any level this group is staying on, don’t be surprised to hear moans of pleasure, laughter, and even a few people who probably drank a little too much.
I’ve not been to a takeover with this particular group yet, though we are familiar with many of them. Honestly, most of them, really. There’s always an abundance of alcohol, and something always ends up having a bit of a negative impact on the community. Unfortunately, this brings the threat of losing privileges within the community; it can’t be easy to obtain hotels willing to allow our events in the first place. We all need to remember to respect the space, or it goes away.
Ok, off my soap box!
Honestly, I am excited to go. Due to some family obligations, we aren’t sure if my wife and I will go together just yet, or if I will be meeting my girlfriend and her husband solo. He and I get along great! I know it will be a fun night!
This event will likely be much more tame when compared to the hotel takeover the week before. It’s your typical meet-and-greet party.
Attendees are encouraged to wear costumes. Since it is Halloween, these outfits often leave very little to the imagination. I am supposed to go with a friend I have been spending some time with recently. Someone I maybe had a bit of a crush on in the past has come into my life. I’ve been having a lot of fun getting to know her.
The bar is only a short trip for me. It is the same place I went last year when they had their “Back to School” theme. That was a fun night since I wore my high school football jersey, and it shockingly still fit after nearly 30 years!
As always, there will be music, good conversation, cocktails, cock, and tail! It should be a fun night. There are likely to be afterparties or shared hotel rooms afterward. I typically stick with the people I arrived with unless plans shift for some reason.
Both parties should be a great time.
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“Change is not only likely, it’s inevitable.” ― R. Holdstock
Sometimes the party comes to a grinding halt in the middle of a crowded intersection. Horns blaring. People yelling in frustration, and you just don’t know which way to turn.
These last few years have been a whirlwind. Fantasies turned reality. Times of wild sexual discovery and cinematic passion. All shifting into a nightmare and back again.
Some lessons were needed, while others were unnecessary. In the end, there is still love in our life and in our hearts. Even when many things fall apart, you can find a reason to smile. Keep on loving.
For a long time, I couldn’t write. I’d pop in, write something small then disappear. Coming up with authentic posts felt forced. Offering my thoughts and opinions on a relationship dynamic that I couldn’t seem to get right myself, felt wrong. How can I offer anything, when I was failing at many of the things I was talking about?
I am not a failure though. My marriage is stronger than before. We have been through some tough times. Nearly relationship ending. There were so many things we did right to protect our marriage.
My partner and I have a bond that is very rare. Our nearly 30 years together has created a trust and love that has stood strong through so many tests.
One of the first things we did when deciding to completely open our marriage was get a good therapist. One who understood the complexities of consensual non-monogamy.
Our therapist was well versed in polyamory, kinks, and all sorts of relationship dynamics. In fact, they were polyamorous themselves. This made it so easy to talk through things and feel we were being heard, understood, and guided correctly.
Another thing that helped us was beginning to truly encourage each other’s autonomy. Not just in relationships. Also, with hobbies and personal interests. Encouraging growth in each other to help us be better together.
We became more self-aware and better at arguing constructively instead of destructively. Listening to understand before speaking out of anger or emotion.
This takes work though. Work we both wanted to put in. We don’t always get it right, but we continue to try.
There will be times when, as a couple, you will face challenges. These challenges will either end things or give you a reason to fight. If you’re both willing to work on yourselves, so you can be better together, then you’re on a good path.
My partner has lost interest in the LS community, like so many we’ve seen lately. Not to say they won’t return at some point. They’ve had it with too many situations involving people who lack honesty, empathy and clear communication.
People become the destroyers of their own communities. This past year has brought in-fighting and division, deceit and classlessness. Many relationships ended. Including some long-standing marriages, polycules, and couples. These are the types of breakups that shocked some of us. Of course, many times things are not what they seem. We all have our public persona.
When break ups like some of these occur, it makes us wonder. Are the intentions of many entering non-monogamy simply to find a replacement? Or a last resort hoping to “fix” their relationship? It’s almost as if they are “quiet quitting” their relationship.
On the other hand, some singles in the community seem to use it as their healing playground. They play until they are ready to find a mono relationship again. Then they leave behind a wake of confusion to those who took them seriously. While others are simply hoping to fuck someone’s wife though offer very little to the couple’s dynamic.
We’ve had to learn to let go. We’ve learned when to give up on people who have shown time and time again how little they value us. Some people create their own toxicity and there’s no one that can help them, but themselves.
When we got married, we had already been together almost 10 years. Now at nearly 30 years together. Why would we shatter it all for the unknown? Especially when we can share the unknown instead! Or at least still freely explore it.
We haven’t been to many parties lately. We did attend a meet and greet for a newer group. They were a break-off from another group due to differences of opinion or some disagreement. I am not aware of the details so I can’t really speak on that.
Their events have been close to home. That is great. The attendees are a plethora of hot 20-50s who seem to love to drink and party. So much so, that following one recent event, there were allegedly some pills found on the floor of the establishment.
The venue was frustrated that many only wanted waters. The bar shuts down to the public for these events. They hope to pull a strong profit from a captured audience. Unfortunately, certain drugs do not mix with alcohol and the attendees know this. It is good that people want to party safely. However, it is better to make sure the bar turns a profit. We want them to continue to allow these meets to happen. Definitely don’t leave evidence.
The hosts and admins of the group handled things pretty quickly though. They have more meets happening. We will make our way back to one eventually.
Though fun, in general, meet n greets are not our thing. When we went, we saw people we knew. Including some people we’d rather not see. The community can be extremely small. There were also many people we had never seen before. There’s definitely been an influx of new faces.
We had a few beverages. Some laughs. Smoked some buds. All in all, a fun night out.
Nothing that brought my partner the urge to get back out there. They’re content reading books and spending time with family and our dogs.
Their outlook and overall feelings of being consensually non-monogamous has not changed. We will continue to encourage each other’s autonomy however that looks for us.
There are people waiting when ready. They get messages from past play partners, trying to get them to come out. They’ve stood pretty firm on their boundaries! Which is awesome. Exercising that right to say, “Nah I’m good”
It is always OK to say, “No”
I’ve met a few people here and there myself. Extremely kind and caring individuals who, as of now don’t seem to have hidden agendas. My guard is up though. I am still going out from time to time open to whatever comes my way. That said I am not actively seeking another relationship. At least not at the moment.
In the meantime, I have found my way back here. Now, with much more experience in navigating consensual non-monogamy. I feel confident I can authentically share my perspective and hopefully help someone along the way.
Make sure to subscribe to follow the journey.
If you have any questions or topics you would like to cover, please reach out.
If you’re interested in being in a non-monogamous relationship, ask yourself:
What does it bring to you that will enhance what you already have?
What do we hope to gain both individually and as a couple?
When you have a platform for your voice, it is important to use it at times when most would simply stay silent. This blog is an excellent platform to bring awareness to issues in the LS community. Everyone is typically focused on when the next big party is, or where they can capture their unicorn. Unfortunately, with many of these Facebook groups, there are admins who feel they know better than you how things should be. They want to “protect” you. Well, mostly just their friends. We understand it is, “their” group. However, much like this blog, when it’s open to so many, it becomes a platform for like-minded individuals. For all to feel heard, and equally protected, the rules must be equally applied.
We may share this world of non-monogamy, but for many, that’s where it ends. The deep-seeded beliefs and prejudiced behaviors that plague our world can leak into our “accepting” community. Often right in your face from people you thought saw the world at least a little more as you. Whether it’s slut-shaming women for not behaving the way you would, excluding bi-men, or publicly shaming individuals for petty grievances, it leaves a bad taste, and a trail of individuals left fighting to preserve their character. We as a community are better than this. Admins are not dictators.
Today’s Guest post comes from an individual who has grown tired of controlling, and hate filled unfair actions all too often displayed by a few. Hopefully, we can all learn something from her, have these conversations, and find ways to be more inclusive and empathetic to everyone around us.
Dog Whistles
Guest post by Vikki
Words have power.
Words levied by those who have power, against those who don’t, have a special kind of power.
And when those disempowered people are already fighting centuries of stereotypes, systemic oppression, and white fear (as is the case with the black community), words can actually be dangerous, even deadly.
We easily recognize some of these words: thug, gangster, hood, ghetto, pimp, and the ubiquitous N-word. Most white people who aren’t out-and-proud racists strive to conscientiously avoid these words. We know they are offensive, hateful, and dangerous. These are words that we hope will die out entirely from the vernacular of white people with our grandparents and parents.
Unfortunately, such words becoming verboten is outpacing the actual erasure of bias, both explicit and implicit. And where bias exists, language adapts.
New words are replacing these old terms, and this new language is insidious. Those perpetuating these new words are often unaware or in denial of their own biases and cannot see the harm of their word choices.
These are dog whistle words, and they are uniquely powerful.
I am a white woman who adores words. I wield words like a sculptor wields clay, writing both poetry and prose, and I take pride in my gift. I choose my words carefully – I say what I mean, usually eloquently. I say this to illustrate how very hard it is for me to accept that my words don’t always mean only what I intend them to mean. I have been humbled time and again over the years by my two black male partners. They have spent an enormous amount of emotional labor teaching me about seemingly innocuous words that become offensive and dangerous under certain circumstances. I know I am not racist, and they know it as well, but being “not racist” is not enough. Well-intended allies can and do inadvertently harm those they wish to support, either directly or by their ignorant silence. It is incumbent upon us to listen when those who are aggrieved by our actions speak: listen actively, without pride or defensiveness, with a mindful willingness to do better. Fortunately, my desire to do better is ultimately stronger than my desire to be right, and I have been able to learn so much from the men I love.
After downing more than a few servings of humble pie, I understand, and want to share with the white community, that dog whistle words are everywhere. These are words that surreptitiously play to both conscious and subconscious tropes, biases, and fears about black people that remain deeply entrenched in white society – so deep that we often have no idea they persist. Discovering them is a humiliating process for anyone who considers themselves to be an ally, but it is an essential step in the constant quest for improvement.
Take, for example, words like “aggressive,” “hostile,” or “pushy.” These words capitalize on the “Angry Black Man” stereotype, which has triggered fear in white people for centuries. An angry black man is seen as a dangerous thing – far more dangerous than an angry white man. The society we live in today in the US was built, and continues to be shored up, with the goal of keeping him contained. He could be dealt with swiftly and harshly, or shunned altogether, but he must be disempowered. While my above example adjectives aren’t positive for anyone, for a black man attempting to overcome decades upon decades of oppression driven by white fear, such words can become a permanent scarlet letter.
Or consider “arrogant,” which is the new “uppity:” both words which allude to the idea of a black person not “knowing their place” in white-dominant society. An intelligent, confident, vocal black man is just as scary as an angry one.
Consider, too, the nonverbal expectations that whites place on blacks. To be accepted in predominantly white spaces, a black person will fare much better if they are quiet, conservative in appearance, and smile a lot. This “code switching” behavior is modeled for, and taught to, all black people in the US, from birth, and so it is seen as “normal,” yet it is not the norm in black-dominant societies.
All of this sounds a lot like leftover expectations from the not-so-good old days, doesn’t it?
Dog whistles and their ilk are damaging enough in mainstream society. But consider their impact in smaller communities, like the LS – a predominantly white space. The black community is disproportionately underrepresented in the LS, and its members are frequently fetishized by white women and couples. Black men, in particular, are commonly reduced to bucket list items or objects of pleasure, and are often seen through the lens of what they can offer, not who they are. Couples advertise that they are looking for “a BBC,” not “a black man with a big cock.”
Black bluefish are working against multiple negative perceptions: those that accompany being a black man, as already discussed, and those that go with being a bluefish, regardless of race. Insecurity is rampant in the LS, and bluefish are already handled with extreme caution, generally perceived at least as a slight threat to couples, most often by the man in a couple. A different dick is always risky; it could steal away a wife, ruin a marriage, or provide more pleasure to her than her partner’s. That’s some scary stuff. Now give that bluefish dark skin, confidence, and a big cock, and he just became exponentially more scary. He may very well now be viewed as a necessary threat to be managed, not a whole human with whom to collaborate or celebrate.
Finally, combine this white male fear with generations of ingrained (often unconscious) dehumanization, and sprinkle in some of the dog whistles mentioned. When you are already seen as subhuman, or a pleasure tool, and you become labeled as dangerous, people will be reluctant to look deeper into your humanity. It is far easier, and requires far less uncomfortable introspection, to replace a problematic BBC with another, more docile, less threatening BBC.
I was recently banned from a LS group because one of my partners (a black man) questioned why another black man was being publicly named and shamed for violating a group rule about messaging/friend requesting without public consent. Yes, I know there are very strong opinions for and against, and it’s a dead horse that has been beaten beyond recognition, but that actually isn’t the issue. The Name and Shame post was a screenshot of this man’s personal profile, an explanation of the rule violated, and the phrase admonishing, verbatim, “Don’t be an (insert his name here).” Tacky? For sure. Juvenile? I thought so. But where I really took issue: dangerous.
My partner made several comments on the post. He was not questioning the consequences being levied (being banned from the group); rule breakers should receive agreed-upon appropriate consequences. He was questioning the idea of adding “naming and shaming” as a consequence, and asking whether all those who violated rules would be treated the same. He questioned the motive of public ridicule and branding of a man who could no longer see the post. My partner was subsequently banned himself, and then called “hostile” by the (white, male) admin, for requesting clarification of, and politely disagreeing with, his ban (screenshots exist). I then received a 30 day temporary ban for commenting that rule-breakers should be banned, but I was wanting to know whether this Name and Shame punishment would be applying to ALL rule-breakers, because despite the group existing for a few weeks, this was the first time it had happened. When I questioned my own ban, I was told it was for stirring drama, and for associating with my boyfriend.
Funny, neither myself nor my partner were named and shamed in the group for OUR rule violations. And at least one white man, who violated the same rule as the black man who was called out, has – to date – still not been named or shamed for his actions. One person was singled out, and that person was a well-known black bluefish. When another black bluefish questioned the actions of admin, he was labeled hostile, and banned. Coincidence? Maybe. But once you spot the pattern in the LS, and in certain groups, it’s really hard to unsee it.
I pointed out to the admin that his actions gave the appearance of being racially biased, and were being perceived as such by the black community. I did not call him a racist, but he immediately took offense saying I labeled him both racist and a bully. He went on a tirade about having black partners and family members, and everything he had done for the black community. I explained to him that again, I was not labeling him racist, only pointing out appearances, and that perception is what matters, regardless of intent. I told him that those who truly have the best interest of the black community at heart would not be defensive when told their actions might be perceived as racist. We can consider ourselves allies and still unknowingly behave in ways that are harmful to those we strive to support. He claimed he didn’t know the man he shamed was black (despite him being a very well-known, OG, black bluefish, with a black-sounding name, who posts regularly about black issues), and wished me the day I deserve.
A perhaps-not coincidental side note: my partner had already been denied membership in a sister group, after being labeled “aggressive,” “pushy,” and “unsafe,” by the admins – a white couple who do not know him. These accusations were based on the words of a nameless accuser stating that he behaved in these ways at one of the group’s parties. When he politely pointed out that he had NEVER ATTENDED any of this group’s parties, the admins didn’t care. I was also subsequently shunned from the group by proxy, despite having zero dealings with the couple.
I have been with my boyfriend for a year. My husband has known him for that long as well. We, and anyone who knows him, know him to be respectful, kind, and courteous. Unconventional? Yes – he is not from the US originally. He was not raised in a country where black people are taught from birth how to make themselves more palatable to the white majority. Regardless of his true character, these slanderous dog whistle words are now out there, attached to him, and are producing their predictable ripple effects.
IDGAF about those groups or being booted from them. People who know me, know my character. There are plenty of other LS groups with admins that are welcoming, willing to engage in constructive discourse, and whose vision aligns with my own. But this situation ripped the scab off a wound that, for my partners and those who look like them, never heals. As someone who loves them I can’t, in good conscience, stay silent.
Please be mindful of the words you use when describing or labeling those with less power than you. For white people, this is all other races. For men, this is all other genders. For heteros, this is all other sexualities. Be aware of the weight words can carry in the larger picture. Does the word that comes to mind cater to inflammatory stereotypes? Why is it the first word that comes to your mind? Does it perhaps indicate biases you may not know you have? Is it a word that has been used to oppress, belittle, devalue, dehumanize? Will it perpetuate harm upon the person it is used against? Will it stay with them like a scarlet letter?
Think twice before speaking or judging, and be on a mission of understanding, not victory at any cost.
The LS is supposed to be a place of open minds and acceptance. We all could use a reminder, now and again, to check ourselves. We all have opportunities to be better.
Why do we torture ourselves? Two are high school sweethearts, just having celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary. We are very much in love and yet, here we are. Going on dates, or trying to, anyways. Why? People like us, out there on dates!? Many of us weren’t any good at it in high school or college. So, here’s an idea. How about now we get out there and bring all the self-doubt, fears of rejection, and potential heartbreak back into our lives? Like, literally what the fuck are we doing? What the fuck is wrong with us? There’s got to be a common thread. A vine of some sort that links us all, intertwined in these taboos, this, “alternative” relationship world. But, what?
The way it grows, expands and takes over is fascinating. There seems to be a progression to which you are no longer touching your toes in the water. You’re performing full on somersault swan dives into the deep end. People look to you for answers. They want to know where the best parties are. They want to get in.
It all really comes back to boundaries and how far you are willing to push your own. In the beginning, it was how far we could push them as a couple. Overall, it still is, but we have reached a point of comfort and freedom where we are able to individually explore any avenue we feel might nourish our existence.
Don’t mistake comfort for a mundane old relationship that has lost its spontaneity and luster, forcing us to look beyond each other for gratification. We have created a completely safe and accepting extension to the already amazing bond we share.
Recently, I’ve been talking with someone who has been in my life since I was 13 years old. My first kiss. My first love. Sure, maybe it was puppy love, but even at 13 we were together for about a year. Which is longer than even most adult relationships these days. Now a grown woman, with that same adorable laughter, the same sweet voice, the same beautiful soul. Though we have not seen each other in nearly a decade, the fiery connection we shared in our youth has never completely extinguished. If the opportunity to date her were possible, it could become serious rather quickly. Like pouring gasoline on that flame.
With all this happening, it dawned on me that I have kept in contact with nearly every girlfriend I’ve ever had. Even short relationships, or ones that didn’t end quite as dignified as they could have, we are no longer at odds. Each hold a special place in my heart. Flickers of memories like a film strip of my life, strung together in a sequence of relationships, new love and broken hearts. A simple click on any one of their Facebook profiles instantly brings back a flurry of memories, like opening a time portal.
We are no longer kids. She is married and they are not LS. She is intrigued however. My ethical side tells me to keep things platonic. We are not here to cause collateral damage.
It happens often. A friend with curiosity causing them to ask questions and begin considering a peek into the other side. Sometimes you need a friend to help guide you or at least be there to walk with you into uncharted territory. Other times you are the guide. However, you must be careful not to take advantage of their curiosity. If you are going to bring them into this community, do it with class. Do it at their pace. It must be completely 100% consensual.
We have moments ourselves, where we need guidance. A couple weeks back, I went on an adventure like never before. Some newer friends showed me a world I would not even have considered when we had our typical monogamous marriage.
My point is, once you get to a place where you have your safety and support, you find yourself able to open up and give the same to others. In the end, it all comes down to loving and being loved. Caring for each other as humans should. There is enough hatred and sadness, why create more? Love, and share your love with others.
I literally used to be the one who would walk around and talk about how I hate people and everyone sucks. Realizing now more than ever, hating everyone around you is a sure fire way to leave you isolated.
Perhaps that’s why we have come back to the dating scene. Even though Lily and I have each other, we are rebuilding love we let wilt in our past. We moved a few times around the country, from one coast to the other and back to the middle. This never made it easy to create deep bonds.
A friend was having a rough day a few weeks ago. An argument with a family member left her in tears. She called me. Why? She felt I could be there for her in the moment she needed someone. It was kind of amazing to be needed in that way.
The odd thing is, neither my ex-girlfriend from my teenage years nor my friend in need are even having a sexual relationship with me. I think finding our way into this poly-world has made me start caring about people again! Don’t quote me. I am still not sure how I feel about it and I have a reputation to uphold. I am still an asshole; I promise you that. Maybe it’s old age or life experience. Who knows? It’s like that moment when the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes.
So we get back out there. Some looking for answers and how to break into the LS. Excited, naïve, and filled with dreams of constant sexual gratification. Others look for connections and deeper meaningful lifelong relationships. What ever the case is, we are open and vulnerable again. It makes us feel alive, I suppose.
The same shyness, inadequacies, self doubt we had before still scream in our ears. Every meet and greet we attend and every date we go on, trying to fulfill a need for acceptance and to be loved.
Recently, I was able to go out for a rather short “guys night”. Just to a bar for a few hours, if that. We had the oddest conversation with a couple different ladies. We sat at the corner of a shelf-top railing like table, with our backs facing the bar as we watched Karaoke singers take their turns in the spotlight. Sitting in the center, with Ben to my right and LE to my left, we scanned the bar for potential new friends. Ben was pretty into a game he was playing on his phone but was following the conversation. LE on the other hand seemed to know everyone in the bar, being a bit of a regular.
There was one girl dancing a bit and seemed to be in a friendly mood. LE was able to catch her eye for a moment and motioned for her to come join us. To my surprise she walked over. Her dark hair tied back in a ponytail made her adorable smile and glittery eyes shine in the strobe. She was hesitant but intrigued. Her name escapes me but she wore jeans and a tight black top. Her cellphone stuck out of her back pocket making it difficult to to discern if the shape of her ass was real or simply an optical technological illusion provided by the phone.
LE asked her name and where she was from. She lived not far, but apparently her friend had left her at the behind. Seems to be a common theme I’ve encountered throughout my life. Like the damsel in distress. I always somehow meet the girl who’s friend left them behind. But I digress.
LE inquired about her status. To which she said she was single, though there was a guy at the bar she had met just that night. Bold as he is, LE wasted little time getting to the point; he asked if he would like to come hangout with us and we would take her home. I don’t recall how it came up, perhaps I threw out a comment about Lily or something, but she learned Ben and I were married. Also that both our wives were at home fully aware and ok with us out potentially picking up women. In fact, we explained my situation and having not only a wife, but a “sidepiece” and everyone is good with it. I explained that Lily also dates separately on occasion. She was in shock.
“No, no, no! That’s not right,” she said with a smirk and a glint of curiosity in her eye.
She told us how that’s not how she was raised, and that she is way too jealous for something like that. She laughed it off and told us she was going to stand back at the bar. By that time I needed to catch a buzz. Having a bowl and weed in my pocket, for medicinal purposes of course. I jumped up, walked over to her and asked if she smoked.
She said, “yes.” I followed with “do you want to smoke with me?”
Another yes, and she followed me to the door. Just to be clear, I had no intention of trying anything with her, but my curiosity was in her point of view. What was so wrong about my marriage and our situation as husband and wife?
We smoked and discussed it. She told me it’s not something that she thinks is wrong, but that she just is too jealous and it would never work for her. That was good enough for me. At least she didn’t think me to be some kind of monster. On one hand I don’t care how others feel about it, but also see it as a moment to offer a different perspective on relationships that perhaps before they really didn’t understand.
We smoked the bowl and talked about the basics, where she grew up, etc. Once finished, we headed back in and she went off to dance with the guy she had met earlier.
Ben and LE, looked at me with wonder, likely thinking something had happened between the vanilla and I. Last they saw me make a move to talk to her and head out the door with her. I suppose I could have made up a decent tale of how she sucked me off behind the building, or I bent her over a car, but I simply told them the truth.
Last call came and people began to head out in groups. A gorgeous blond, my kryptonite, passed by with her man in tow after leaving the pool table. Her tight jeans outlined her curves in all the right places and we gawked as men do, though LE was not so enticed. He told me of a run in he had with her. Apparently he did not think highly of her.
At that moment as another group of patrons passed by, LE reached out to another blond who was talking loudly about going to the casino and how she is out partying with her daughter. She gave her daughter a hug and told her she would see her at the casino and to my disbelief was pulled in by LE’s uncanny ability to strike up a conversation with just about anyone. She stood next to me in the same spot as the last girl, talking across me to LE. There was bit of small talk until they landed on something of interest. She mentioned briefly how she moved from California. Lily and I spent the majority of our twenties in Los Angeles. We talked about parts of California we had been and she mentioned having been in a few films. We asked, what sort of films? To which she laughed at the question and skirted around the question. She also talked about her family owning an Island in the Caribbean. At this point we weren’t sure if we were being played or actually speaking to a multi-millionaire, former porn star in a random Missouri suburban bar. With this in mind, we circled back to her “acting” career as the topic of conversation. We thought for sure if this person was open minded enough to participate in sexual acts on camera for pay, she would definitely understand a life like the three of us were a part of.
LE gave her the rundown and asked how she felt about me having a girlfriend and a wife, knowing they were both ok with the arrangement. Her face filled with shock and discomfort, as if I had told her that her partner had cheated! It was an awkward moment. She reacted nearly identical to the previous vanilla, but with more disdain. She said how it was wrong and that is not how relationships should be. She nearly seemed to get upset about it, which was odd as it was not her relationship. She could not get out the door and away from us heathens fast enough.
LE was puzzled by the exchange. He sad, “I can’t believe we just got judged by a fucking porn star.”
In that moment it occurred to me, that we have spent so much time around people with open marriages of some kind and far more open minds, that to be around those who don’t understand our choices, seems almost foreign to us. Feeling like an outcast and perhaps something must be wrong with me, then I recalled the number of like-minded individuals we partied with at National Swingers Weekend 2021 not long ago and know I am not alone. Maybe they are the outcast? Perhaps there are no outcasts. That’s the beauty of it. No one should ever feel ashamed for how they choose to live their lives. We are not all the same. What one does in their personal lives and relationships, does not effect other’s who are not directly involved. We are consenting adults. We know all the risks, and we choose to live this way because it is who we are.
“My choice is what I choose to do and If I’m causing no harm it shouldn’t bother you. Your choice is who you choose to be and if you’re causing no harm then you’re alright with me.” – Ben Harper
Though his song was referring to my other favorite pastime, it applies to so many other facets of life. We could just as easily judge others and admittingly have. We all cling to what’s familiar. It’s like a security blanket to a toddler. Though some of us see beyond the norm and dare to be different. We push our limits and shift our values to fit how we want our lives to be. After all, we only live it once!
We hope you enjoyed reading and welcome any and all feedback. Having readers at all is a wonderful thing and you are so appreciated. Thank you for allowing us to share our thoughts and our world with you.
There is so much in the works here at Swing Open. Although we don’t have any huge parties lined up, we have gone to several smaller engagements and have also had some very scandalous independent adventures. Lily with her pool party escapade and myself with my sidepiece late night lap dance on a bench on Main Street. We were suppose to attend a hotel party with some friends, but Lily came down with a nasty cold. Instead of anything kinky that weekend, she was in bed while I wrangled the kids all around. We still have so much to unravel and tell about National Swingers Weekend down at the lake, and you won’t want to is that!
Be sure to subscribe and follow all the social medias out there! Now on Instagram and Facebook, @Swingopenmo. Also LE can be followed on Twitter @BBC_lite and Ben and his beautiful Olivia can be also be found on Twitter @BenandOlivia2. Please share your comments, send your questions, and share with your friends. After all, sharing is caring. Thanks again for reading!
How can we? How can any couple, bluefish, or unicorn for that matter, create a life of intensely erotic escapades, fulfilling their deepest desires, through wild sexual adventures, simply, walk away?
We see it all the time. Recently, a couple, I think for the second time since we’ve known them, made a post stating, “We are leaving the Lifestyle!”
But can they? Of course, it is completely their prerogative and there could be a million reasons why they are taking a step back. Don’t get me wrong, taking a break is fairly common in most LS journeys. Perhaps they stumbled upon emotions they, as a couple, were just not prepared to handle. Whatever the reason, it is always a good idea to step back, when needed, and reconnect with your primary partner, or even yourself. That being said, once this world is tapped into, how can anyone go completely back?
Can you?
Completely?
I suppose it depends on how deep you have gone. How far down the rabbit hole have you fallen?
Personally, we struggle with even spending time with vanillas now. Hanging out at the neighborhood pool, listening to the dads drone on and on about 401k’s and the latest video games. Watching them gawk at neighborhood MILFs in bikini’s, knowing they will never touch another body outside of their marriage. Though even intamcy at home is rationed out as a cheap gift on special occasions. They make jokes about how they haven’t had a bj in years, but claim that it’s just part of marriage. It’s exhausting! I want to blurt out, “Not in my marriage!”
It’s just so difficult to be around. We can’t be ourselves. We must be a different version of ourselves anyway. Life is too short to spend it pretending to be someone you’re not. Just more of my “running out of fucks” journey, I suppose.
If you haven’t had the chance, be sure to check out my post on how I am giving up trying to please others or give in to social constructs. Maybe I was baked or just being pissy, but check it out! Running Out of Fucks
One thing we have learned from our recent poly relationships is, once you allow emotion in, it becomes even more difficult to walk away. Sex with someone you care about or share a strong bond with is far more satisfying than any gangbang orgy fuck fest you could attend. Unless you are really into those of course. We do not kink shame here!
Deeper connections become habitual and that becomes the new craving. Beyond sex, beyond kinks or fetishes. Love. It bonds people and gives more profound meaning to relationships.
So, what happens when you try to leave all that behind?
In our experience, it’s causes friction in the primary relationship. Of course, this is going to be different for everyone, but a lot of times we see the same couples who announce their departure, come back months or even years later. Perhaps they felt a part of themselves missing. Often one partner may be the driving force to leave the lifestyle behind, while the other never wanted it to end in the first place.
Perhaps the jealousy they faced was too much of a burden. Maybe they felt their partner’s attention shift and they didn’t like how it left them feeling.
Typically, when a new partner enters the picture, there is a dynamic change. There is a shift that is felt, even if the person who has created the shift doesn’t realize it. It can be as simple as, every day at lunchtime you’d receive a text from your partner but suddenly it happens later in the day, or less often. It’s that new relationship energy and it’s a bitch!
Jealousy is an emotion. It sucks and can make you feel like you’re dying inside, but emotions are triggered by traumas which cause specific reactions from within. Heal the trauma, get to the root of the jealousy and it can be unlearned and controlled. We still have moments ourselves but are getting better at handling our own jealousy.
Jealousy is a fucked-up thing. Personally, it became less of an issue for me as I got older. I would share Lily with friends without a second thought, simply to see her lost in pleasure. Any jealousy issues that were shouting to me, were quickly muffled by the intense sexual afterglow we’d be in. However, when we entered a polyamorous situation, it brought the bitch out of me. I will admit. There were a lot of emotions that welled up in me that I had forgotten were even there.
If you’re unaware, Lily changed our dynamic completely in the beginning of the year, when she fell in love with someone else. She still loved me and didn’t want us to change, but she wanted to have this new boyfriend be a very important part of her life. She nearly cucked me into the situation and, at times in their relationship, she actually did dabble in cuck play. There was little I could do or say because she knew how much it turned me on. We realized it was an exciting new adventure for us and really played into the kink of it. We found it hot and exciting, and it ended up being the thing I’d focus on which helped me to adjust and feel confident that she still loved me and reassured me as we shared in these intense and passionate situations.
At first, when Lily decided she was going to have a boyfriend, I wasn’t too concerned. We had known him for a while before they took it to that level. He was always respectful and treated her good. I saw it like any other fwb for her. But when things turned emotional, I had to check myself pretty quick. It wasn’t easy at first. Not for either of us. Eventually I found someone just to prove I could and, I guess and my own separate relationship took off. But, when Lily’s relationship ended, she felt the jealousy and dynamic shift from me.
After listening to a couple podcasts, working with our therapist, lots of research, like reading The Ethical Slut, we were able to find the tools to deal with the jealousy or the alone moments. Now, instead of feeling uneasy when one of us goes out with someone, we focus on something in our moment. For example, I might use it as an opportunity to blog or play guitar or do just about anything to reconnect with myself. Lily might read or watch an awful dating “reality” show. You can never stop trying to discover yourself. Trust me, there are always new things you can learn. I am living proof of that this year!
The therapist we see is well versed in alternative relationships, ethical non-monogamy and an amazing source of knowledge on all sorts of kinks. If you can find a good therapist to guide you through this journey, we highly recommend it. Don’t go it alone. The tools are out there and available to you. Listen to podcasts that cover this stuff. Talk to friends who have gone through it. Read more blogs like ours. There are plenty of books that help to dive into the topic as well. Hell, message us! We love to chat with people, especially about LS related stuff!
One of my best sources and ear to bend was a mutual friend on Facebook. I reached out to her because I knew from her posts that she was in a polyamorous relationship and had been previously. She’s been a saint with my endless issues and all the questions I’d bother her with. She was so patient and understanding. She had been where I was at some point. Her and her boyfriend make it look so simple and seamless. He is married to another beautiful woman, but their relationships are separate. I believe it’s called a “V”. We are still learning all this. From the outside they look like they have it all together but what we don’t see is all the work that went in to get them to this point. This year they celebrated their one-year anniversary, and we wish them many more.
So, I ask…
again…
Can you go back?
The night I began writing this, Lily was out on a “dick date” as she called it. Their connection could go anywhere. It certainly has all the makings of a relationship beyond simply friends. They seem to like each other. He and I hit it off pretty well also which is always bonus points, because obviously Lily wants us to get along. She is being cautious, however. Her emotions are still pretty raw from the breakup with her ex. Her tolerance for men is dropping daily it seems.
She commented recently, a couple times, “Maybe I should just get a girlfriend!”
So, ladies if you’re reading this, take her out! Show her the fun a basic fuck boy never will.
I wonder if she could ever have a girlfriend. She certainly is attracted to women. She occasionally craves their soft touch and gentle kisses, but at the end of the day, she is all about cock. Let’s be real here. We are who we are.
One thing I’ve noticed is, her always meeting single men. Her and I have discussed this. Sure, there are some who are genuine and probably would make excellent boyfriends, but most of these single guys are single for a reason it seems. Either they don’t want to commit, or no one wants to commit to them. On the other hand, dating someone single has its benefits. Currently I am seeing someone, and we have nowhere to go if we want to be intimate. Both of us have families at home while we are out.
I also see a single girl as well. She is the same girl I left standing in the rain in front of a bar a few months ago. I know it sounds awful. I did offer a ride home. I also broke things off abruptly when we were at the bar, so I get why she didn’t want to get in a car with me. So, she waited for an Uber as I walked in the rain back to my car.
I had to do it. It was clear that nothing was going to work at that moment. Lily and I were not emotionally prepared for polyamory. It became painfully obvious to everyone involved at the time. If we didn’t put a stop to it all, things may have turned ugly. And she knew that. We all did.
Now, however, after several sessions with our amazing therapist, many meaningful conversations with each other, Lily and I are much better at managing these emotions.
We realized, and both admitted, we couldn’t go back to just being swingers. We’re definitely not going to be monogamous. We both enjoy this all too much and it fulfills a part of us that is needed.
Don’t get me wrong, with all the swinger events we attend, casual play is still a very big part of us. After all, we are sluts. But now we can delve deeper into passions and connections to allow for something more profound and real to be built.
My “Side Piece,” as she refers to herself as of late, has been amazing to spend time with since some burdens were lifted. We picked right up where we left off and things have been pretty great. We don’t have a label. Haven’t really discussed one too much this time. I don’t think there are any real expectations. We simply live in the moment. We see each other about once a week or when we can. We might go to a nice dinner and to a bar, or just have a peaceful evening at her place with a bottle of wine. Either way we always seem to enjoy our time together. Our focus is only on each other. Not work, not kids, not anything else. That is our time. That is how we try to approach connections with others now. We allow them to rise naturally to whatever they may become, and we put our focus in the moment as much as possible.
Now we really can’t go back. Once that emotional bridge is crossed, the bridge falls behind and you must be real, raw, and open to whatever comes. Find new ways to deal with emotions. If you’ve done the work and your primary foundation is strong, it can be amazing.
I remember my Facebook consigliere told me that “Couples privilege” sucks. I didn’t know what that meant right away. But now I totally get it. That single person, on the outside of the relationship is very real. They have emotions and needs like the rest of us. At the end of the day, they usually don’t go to sleep with the person they care about. They only get a small portion, but they learn to be content, and gracious. They deserve to have their voice recognized.
Things are much different now. We even went out for drinks, the three of us. Lily, side piece and me. What a surreal moment. My gorgeous wife to my left, an old fashioned in my hand, and my beautiful, “side piece,” to my right. We laughed and talked about everything. We were able to all find common ground. For starters, for God only knows why, they both want to spend time with me.
In awkward moments I was able to entertain them with my randomness. We had a good laugh at my expense as I dripped sauce down the front of my shirt from the fried pickles we shared. They found more common ground in their agreement on how clumsy and forgetful I can be. At one point, the discussion turned to how much weed I smoke. Things were getting out of hand! I thought I was about to have an intervention or something! We also talked about our children and how close they are in age. We hope to get everyone together soon. We could have a barbecue and let the kids run around. Things we never thought we would be comfortable with.
We will continue to follow this path. There are ups and downs and we will make a million mistakes, but Lily and I love who we’ve become. We are who we are, and we can’t go back.
This weekend we both have separate dates planned, so long as our kids don’t get us sick with their colds. I’m supposed to go to a concert with the side piece and Lily to a party with her boyfriend. So far, I am 0-1 on trying to make it to a concert this year. I had tickets go to waste after our kids got me sick just days before. By the time any of you read this, we should know whether I remained healthy and made it to the concert.
We appreciate all of you who take the time to read my ramblings. Please share your thoughts. Can you go back to vanilla life? Will you get to a point where you feel you are too old and it’s time to put the toys away?
If you made it this far you might as well subscribe because the adventures will continue! In fact, We just returned from National Swingers Weekend at Lake of the Ozarks, MO! Such an amazing time! We have so many stories and pictures to share, so you won’t want to miss out!
Thanks for reading!
National Swingers Weekend 2021 Lake of the Ozarks, Mo
We have learned so much about ourselves by exploring our sexuality together. Not so long ago our feelings about sex, sexual desires and what turned us on looked completely different from what they are today.
A few years ago, I posted a question in a local Facebook group we are a part of. A question I thought was straight forward, but have learned the answers were anything but conclusive.
The question was simply, “Are you more dominant or more submissive?”
From my naïve perspective at the time, it seemed like a very black and white, night and day question. You had to be one or the other, no?
I couldn’t have been any further from reality.
Many commented that they are switch, depending on the situation.
Switch? It never occurred to me that someone could be both. Exploring multiple dynamics seemed so alluring. So simple but profound.
Still I wanted clear answers. Ultimately I was actually trying to find out which women in the group were submissive, to be honest. Another naivety. Assuming that just being submissive, perhaps would make them easily be submissive to me. Again, completely wrong!
I rephrased the question in a way to guide them to a precise answer. Urged them to pick a side! Everyone had to have a side, right?
Wrong again! I get it now. There are so many variants to sexual play that it makes complete sense that anyone, regardless of gender or sexual desires could be any part of the spectrum at any given time.
Desires change and evolve. You can choose to hold back or free yourself to safely explore where things may take you. If it’s something in the end you find you don’t like, you can always stop doing it.
For example, you may not be interested in anal play, but your partner wants you to try it with them. Are you curious? Does part of your mind whisper, “maybe you’ll love it.” If it does, give it a try. The worse thing that could happen is you try something and you dislike it. If that happens, communicate it right away. Talk to your partner. Be honest about what specifically you didn’t like. Perhaps there is an adjustment that could be made. Otherwise, if it’s not for you, that is perfectly fine! No one is required to perform any level of sexual acts.
Typically, it seems women will play the submissive role. I personally love submissive women. One of the reasons I married Lily. But you must remember, and what I have learned is, just because someone is submissive, does not mean they will submit to just anyone, at least not completely. They must have trust in their partners. This trust must be built up in order to allow someone who is naturally submissive to completely come out of their shell. That or if they orgasm, then all bets are off! At least that is how Lily operates. In the end though, honesty and trust help everyone to feel safe to try new things without fear of ridicule.
This all starts to get into the BDSM community a bit. I am not even going to pretend to know much about BDSM, but I am learning. Some of my new kinks and fetishes definitely dabble in that kink community. I would love to learn more. I hope to share more with all of you.
There is an event coming up this weekend, “Beat Me in St. Louis.” See what they did there? Unfortunately we will not be able to attend. There is no way we can get that many days without kids. Perhaps in the future.
Advertised as a three day fully immersive event. All the Kink and BDSM you could ask for. They have seminars and educational presentations. It will be completely “Vanilla-Free.” Sounds like one hell of an event and a great way to learn a lot at once about the BDSM community.
Find more information for the event by following the link here, https://beatmeinstl.com/
If you happen to go, send pics or just a short paragraph of your favorite thing about the event or even if there were things you didn’t like, share those too. We would love to hear all about it!
Getting back to submissive people, women don’t always play this part. In fact it is pretty common to have a female Dominatrix, or Domme. Gender really plays no part in who is the dominant one.
I have started to explore my submissive side this year and have discovered some amazing erotic feelings that I never knew existed. It is fascinating to allow your inhabitations go and truly immerse yourself in the moment. Submission is not giving up all control. In fact, the submissive has the most power of all. They carry the power to control how far their dominant counterpart may take them. They are the lead character in their sexual adventure.
Allowing myself to switch has given me some of the most highly erotic experiences ever. I still love to be dominant, but in the right moments I am happy to switch.
As I have said in the past, I am really trying to cut ties with all labels as much as possible. Why should they matter? Labels only serve to organize you into subsets or groups. Without labels, you are free to flow naturally from one experience to the next, without guilt or misunderstandings. No hierarchy needs to be created amongst you and your partners. Be dominant, be submissive, be anything that feels right at any moment.
You should try to let go if you have not done so before, become the submissive. Allow yourself the experience of relinquishing your control. If you do this, feel free to report back! Tell us all the dirty details!
Having a partner who explores your sexual desires and helps to push your boundaries definitely is a bonus; some may not have a partner, we know. There are so many singles in these scenes and you can absolutely get in. Of course, women are rarely turned away. You’d have to have really fucked up good if you are a female blacklisted from anything Lifestyle related. Or if you happen to be the single bluefish, just remember this, be yourself, be respectful. I know Lily has a few bluefish she is thankful to have met and have in our lives. We have one paying her a visit tonight.
A lot has happened with us and there is so much I need to catch everyone up on. Topics to come include, “We’re Poly Now?” We will tell all about our first poly relationships and how we struggled to maintain our life while dealing with jealousy and other issues we did not see coming. We plan to discuss cuckolding, including adventures we have explored. Such hot, intense experiences. Perhaps give some details on the “punishment” Lily received in which a friend and I delayed her orgasm several times before fucking her to multiple orgasms.
What else…? Oh! We have decided to jump on the Only Fans train and give it a shot. Why not? We have the equipment and the means to do it. It’s the consistency we lack. Perhaps with Lily being more the focal point of an Only Fans it will drive her to help me be consistent. We shall see. If we ever get accepted.
Picture from www.Lifeinstylestl.com
Also, BIIIIIG NEWS! We are going to National Swingers Weekend 2021 with the LifeinStyLe STL Group! Can NOT wait! Four nights on a lake property with hundreds, perhaps thousands of swingers and lifestyle party goers. There is entertainment every day with dinners and nightly themed parties! We missed last year but are so happy and excited to be a part of it this year!
As always, please feel free to reach out to us if you have any questions or opinions you’d like to relay, or if you just want to talk to someone like minded. We love talking to people from all over and learning about what works for them in this Lifestyle and what we can perhaps take away for ourselves.
To all our followers, thanks for bearing with us. You are very much appreciated! To those who perhaps stumbled upon this, please follow. We promise, it won’t be boring. At least, we will try not to let it be boring. Until next time!
Even in a lifestyle that claims to be accepting of all, there will always those who end up feeling left out or unwelcome. I hear it constantly. Sometimes it can be brought on by ourselves from failing to let go of our fears and insecurities. Other times we find ourselves standing on the outside of a circle or clique that seems impenetrable and we don’t really know why.
When a couple or even a single begin their journey in the LS, they may have high hopes and grand expectations of how things will go for them. Big plans to explore their sexuality, fulfill their deepest fantasies and cross off some of their naughty “fuck-it list.” In order to do this, first they must meet the right people!
There might be a struggle initially not knowing where or how to go about finding like-minded people for adult fun.
Once you meet some like-minded people, there tends to be a bit of a snowball effect. Especially if you start going to parties or Meet n Greets. You’ll quickly find the community is much bigger than you imagined but at the same time quite small depending on where you live.
There may be some groups that have been around for awhile and built quite the following. Every gathering will have fresh faces but there will always that core group of regulars. There always seems to be a bunch who all know each other and appear to have been friends since high school or somwthing. They cling to one and other at every event and even seem to spend the majority of their non-party time together.
This can be extremely intimidating for newcomers. That’s one thing that makes Meet n Greets less appealing to us. It seems to just turn into a group of friends hanging out, it becomes less of a swingers meet up and more like your basic Saturday night bar hop with college buddies.
Another thing a newbie may encounter is a lack of connection once the party atmosphere has ended. Say you go to a party, you might hit it off really well with a few couples. Even perhaps get a bit entangled with someone but when the party’s over, never hear from them to hang out on the weekend or go have brunch with a group.
There seems to be different levels as well. There are the hottest, highly attractive who kind of stick together, the bottom rung who maybe aren’t as attractive but still lots of fun who also form their own clique. Then there are people who kind of fall in the middle.
We could be wrong, but we feel like that is us. The middle class, floaters. We seem to mingle with people in all levels but never feel fully at home in any faction of the group. Sort of like the misfits on the island of misfit toys. We can be fun to hang with at the parties but never quite make it to the the inner circle. And that’s okay. We never really got into all this to make best friends. It seems a lot of people have done that. They have to feel connected all the time and part of a group.
The thing is once these “groups” form then the drama begins. We try to make it a point to keep clear of drama at all costs. Although this year we have seen our share of it. When these cliques and groups come together, someone is always left out. There is often some kind of falling out within the group for whatever reason which causes unnecessary turmoil. Many events become a high school reunion rather than a fantasy experience. Who needs that?
But what can be done?
Sometimes it just is what it is. People are naturally drawn together for all kinds of reasons.
According to a Kidshealth.org article from July 2018 reviewed by Kathryn Hoffses, PhD; https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/cliques.html?view=ptr&WT.ac=t-ptr
“Cliques attract people for different reasons: For some people, being popular or cool is the most important thing, and cliques give them a place where they can get this social status. Other people want to be in cliques because they don’t like to feel left out.”
The funny thing is, this article was written for Teens.
We once had someone tell us that if we are having a good time meeting couples and going on dates then we should skip the parties and Meet n Greets.
They said, “It’s like high school again!”
That kind of stuck with us. It does seem that way at times. We aren’t in the largest city in the U.S. and you quickly find out just how small the community is. As mentioned we often see many of the same people at these events. Many are just there for the drinks. Sometimes we wonder if certain people even ever play or if they are literally just there for the atmosphere. Every couple has their own dynamic. Everyone has their standards and boundaries, so that could be a real possibility.
So, what can you do? Best advice we can give is just be you! I know it sounds cliché but honestly, it is the only thing you can do. You can’t control who wants to be your friend but you can control how you feel about yourself. When you go to events, try to look your best! Always dress to impress. We notice that is definitely an issue for men. There are so many that don’t even seem to try. Maybe their wife or SO is very sexy. Therefore, she becomes the focal point of their attraction. Then they become sort of one dimensional as a couple. Men in general just need to simply step up their game when it comes to fashion. Some of them show up to these events looking like they just rolled out of bed or left the gym and came straight over. It’s great that your wife looks so amazing’ so first question that comes to mind is, “Do you play separate”?
There is always an exception to everything of course. We have met some of the most down to earth, attractive people in the LS as well. People, who in high school probably wouldn’t have even looked at us but now make us feel like we are part of something amazing and even have mindblowing sexual experiences with.
As a couple we try to talk to anyone and everyone. You really never know where it may lead. Maybe they aren’t a sexual match but could be amazing people and having more friends is never a bad thing. You don’t have to have sex with everyone you meet.
Ha, “We don’t have to have sex with everyone we meet.” I have to remind myself of that from time to time.
So, next time you are at a party or event, just put yourself out there. Talk to people. Be in the moment. Don’t get stagnant and stuck with one group or another. Make a sincere effort to reach out to people you haven’t talked to before. If at a party or meet, perhaps make it a point to meet 3-5 new people even if you spend most of your night with a certain group or hiding in the corner. Trust me, they are just as nervous as you are. You came all this way to fulfill you’re fantasies. Take that next step. Say hello to someone and don’t forget to smile!
We are in an amazing place these days. So much is happening in 2021.
If you have something you want covered or if there are any questions you have, please send us an email! Thanks for reading!
Consent is everything in any potential sexual situation. Without proper consent people can feel violated, and the possibility of a great time can go south very quickly. There is a certain level of etiquette that goes along with the LS also. It is important to be very clear about what your intentions are.
Recently we heard of a situation where a female who was naked at a party climbed on the lap of another’s husband and attempted to kiss him. Apparently this was an unwanted advance and it caused a bit of turmoil. His wife was upset and we feel it’s rightly so.
You have to be sure you understand the dynamic of everyone’s relationship. LS rules are not one size fits all and this makes communication crucial. We were not there so the details we’ve heard were all one sided, but in this example if the naked woman spoke with the couple before deciding to mount the husband she may have found the interest level was not a match. Which would have saved her the embarrassment of being called out. You can never assume another is comfortable with your advances. This particular couple is new in the LS community. A situation like this really gives an awful preview of how things happen within the LS. It might even scare people away.
Unfortunately this is a bit common. Women don’t seem to follow the same rules of consent as men do. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure there are men out there doing the same things and are overly aggressive. In fact, at a recent party we ran into a bit of aggression.
Lily was dancing with a man who she found attractive, but things took an ugly turn because he didn’t check her level of interest and became a bit too rough.
Lily doesn’t mind some rough play; however, he crossed the line. As they danced he was asking her rules, which was good, but then he went in for a kiss. At first it was fine until he decided to bite her lip. She didn’t like that at all. It wasn’t like a pleasant nibble. It was like he was trying to take a chomp out of a steak! She pulled away quickly and wanted off the dance floor. I had no idea this was happening until she pulled me away to tell me. For a week she had a bruised lip which upset her even more due to the fact that she had to make something up to tell family and co-workers. Not cool!
In this situation, had he asked if she was into that she would have said no and maybe he would have gotten further with her, but his aggression completely turned her off. It didn’t matter if he was her type or not. That was it for him!
Always…Always…Always ask. Ask to touch, ask to kiss, ask ask ask. You will find everyone will feel much more comfortable and trusting with you if you ask. Some will say no but that’s ok! Not everyone will be into you and you won’t be into everyone either.
There are many levels to different couple’s rules and boundaries. Even something as simple as trying to message or friend request someone’s SO can cause upset. If we get into a conversation with someone we will always make it a group conversation. This makes it very clear that we are not trying to pull anyone aside or be sneaky in any way. We see it all the time where someone will make a comment that a person contacted their SO and made advances without their knowledge. This only causes distrust. It breaks trust with you and between the couple. You don’t know their dynamic. They could be in a Dom/Sub relationship for example. In this case the sub would need permission to even talk to someone else.
You must respect any and all boundaries put in place. That is what makes consent so crucial. You don’t know unless you ask! Many people find it sexy, polite, and they welcome it. However awkward you may think it feels to ask for something as simple as a touch, the outcome of a non-consensual advance will be a thousand times more awkward!
Thank you once again for joining us! Tell us your thoughts on consent. We have some exciting posts we’re working on. We will cover our recent break from the LS, as well as the exciting party we attended prior to it. Hoping to finish all that up soon. If you enjoy this content please like, follow, and share! If you ever have any comments or questions please reach out to us! We don’t bite. Unless you’re cool with that!
There have been many conversations amongst LS acquaintances of ours about kissing. Some feel it’s too intimate, like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”. They will give all of themselves to someone else but the lips are only for the one who they love. Others crave the sexual tension kissing builds and the connection it gives them with another person. It makes them feel wanted, sexy, and allows them to feel the chemistry they need to take it to the next level.
Some argue that if you can have sex with someone who is not your significant other then you sure as hell should have no issue having a steamy make-out session. After all it is a vital part of foreplay, isn’t it?
According to Bitishcouncil.org;
“The dopamine released during a kiss can stimulate the same area of the brain activated by heroin and cocaine. As a result, we experience feelings of euphoria and addictive behaviour. Oxytocin, otherwise known as the ‘love hormone’, fosters feelings of affection and attachment.”
Given this is what kissing can do to a person it makes perfect sense why some couples have reason to keep kissing to themselves. Though most we find in the LS have no ill intentions of taking your mate away and brush kissing off as a form of greeting among other like-minded people. Still it can give you pause with the realization of how strong it can effect you emotionally.
So just how do some people even allow kissing to be on the table in an non-monogamous way without fear of destroying their own home?
This is such an individualized thing. To have entered this lifestyle in the first place a couple must already have an extreme eternal trust. Lily and I have built a strong deep trust over the years. We tell each other everything. There should be no secrets between a lifestyle couple. Or any couple for that matter. These experiences shared are not about one-upping or sneaking a quickie with someone else without your partner knowing. To us anyway, it’s all about experiencing it all together. There has to be a certain level of maturity and self awareness in order to make any of this work.
We have encountered couples who don’t kiss on two occasions now. Surprisingly both were at LifeinStyleSTL Parties like the one we talk about in LifeinSTyle Hotel Takeover Part 1.
It is paramount to discuss your rules and be sure about what you as a couple will allow before any play. This alleviates any misunderstandings. Others should understand and respect those boundaries as they expect you to respect theirs.
Dinner before meet n greet. We drank the whole bottle.
Personally, we love kissing! We love the affection and the closeness. Yes, it is intimate but so is oral. We don’t have rules against kissing at all other than making sure the other is in agreement with who we are kissing.
At a recent meet n greet I was kissed by two different women at separate times throughout the evening. Lily became slightly upset with me. Especially with the second one. We had some pretty intense kissing right next to her at the bar and I think she felt left out. I didn’t think anything of it but it really bothered her. It may have been more that we drank a whole bottle of wine before going out and her tipsy emotions got the best of her. She was done with the night and ready to go. It was a bit frustrating since there were so many people there we had been wanting to meet for a long time. Instead we found ourselves calling an Uber at 10:30 and she went silent for the rest of the evening.
In hindsight I should have checked in with her before enjoying the lips of another and that was my error and lesson learned. Even though we are a couple who enjoys kissing it clearly can spark a bit of an uncomfortable situation if not discussed and agreed upon before.
Kissing is intimate, it’s exhilarating, exciting, and oh so sexy! It can however bring up feelings in some people that may be unexpected whether you are the one kissing, being kissed, or witness to your significant other kissing. You as a couple must be honest and have a serious conversation if kissing is something you will allow or if you will keep it for yourselves.
Tell us what you think! Are you a kissing couple? Do you share your lips or are they sealed from the lifestyle? There is no one way in the LS.
Thanks for coming back to read our thoughts and experiences. If you have any questions that come up please do not hesitate to contact us. If there is something you would like discussed let us know and we are happy to see how we may tackle it! If you enjoy the content please be sure to like, subscribe and share with others! Kisses! 😘
